CRYSTAL MONSTER KID

Mom and Dad, how’d you get so rad? When exactly did you get so hip? Doing drugs and askin’ me for hugs. What’s the matter with parents today?
-Fat Mike, Pump up the valuum, nofx

Indoor Fogger

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 I hoped that when he decided to contact me he would have faced his addiction face first and roared at it. Grabbed it by the shoulders and ripped it to pieces. I had hoped he would have finally seen us for our inability to be replaced. But I didn’t get that feeling. I want to talk to a humble man. A man without anger crackling in his voice. A man who’s eyes can relax and focus. A man who takes responsibility for his evils and apologizes and is horrified by their memory.

I am holding out hope that you will come back. You. The man who had the will power and tenacity to choose his children before his substances without hesitation.

To Be Continued…again, and again, and again.

A Declaration of Independence

Hi Dad,

This is not an easy for me to do but because you are choosing to use mind and mood altering substances I can not have any contact with you. Making contact with you effects my personal, mental and physical health in an overwhelming way and I am making a commitment to take care of myself as best I can.

A friend recently relayed your voicemail to me and I am sorry but it is impossible for me to separate your two selves, business and personal, from one another. Our relationship is much too deep, valuable, long and abstract for me to be able to fragment it into pieces. I cannot call you on the phone and hear your voice as solely that of a “business partner,” that would be impossible and heart breaking for me to do.

If you would like to try and build this relationship back up with me in the future I am open to reconsidering your offer for contact/communication after you have been sober for a substantial amount of time and shown a personal relentless desire to maintain that sobriety at all costs. At this point in time I will no longer, under any conditions, share a place in your life with any mood or mind altering substances. I am absolutely firm on this.

Please do not make any further attempts to contact me or respond to this letter directly to me.

I hope someday things will be very different,

I love you,

Crystal Monster Kid

Year 2: Here

You were supposed to be here.

supposed to

were supposed to

you

be here

you

supposed to

be here

be here

you

were supposed to

supposed to

were supposed to be

be here

you 

here.

Day 1: Guessing Games

The day you disappeared was a day I’d taken off work. Bundles of groceries dropped to the floor when she called and tried to sound casual as she asked, “Have you heard from your Dad today?” Soon rain started to patter my window, I was watching the sunset over the Bay Bridge and telling a stranger about the scar that’s shaped like a paint smear on your left rib cage from when you went to the Bahama’s and missed that spot while applying sunscreen. No tattoos. Probably 6 feet tall. Black hair. Glasses. Under bite. Fifty-five. Silver car.

The police didn’t know. The hospitals didn’t know. The morgue. My wind had been vacuumed from my lungs and I pulled hard on the air around me until I fell asleep from exhaustion.